Active Listening

Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.

In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.

Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.

The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.

While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:

1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.

2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.

3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.

4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and “um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”

5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.

6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.

7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.

Have you tried and tried but your best is still not good enough? Don’t know what to do next? Talk to a mentor.

8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.

9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.

10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”

As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view.

Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.

Benefits of Listening well

Marital problems, family problems and employee-management relationships problems often are the result of break down in communication.

Not only will improved communication help your relationships, it will help your bottom line. What is the foundation of the information age? Is it not communicating information? Improvement in listening to the wants and needs of customers will increase the ability to meet and satisfy those needs.

More importantly however, it will enrich your life. How many problems could be solved if we practiced good communication? The Art of Listening is an essential part of Speechmastery and of great communication.

4 stage of Listening

Sensing
 The sense of hearing being employed to take in the message.

Our minds have the ability to listen four times faster than a person can talk. One challenge to effective listening would be focusing our minds on hearing what is said rather than the several other things going on in our lives at any given moment.

To improve the skill, look directly at the person talking. As you hear the words said, also start reading the body language. Listen for tone and intonation. With advancement in the art, you will be able to notice even more subtle body language such as pupil movement.

On the flip side, if your taking part in public speaking, your audience will face the same challenge you do with the art of listening. Understanding this will be an aid to developing and improving your public speaking skills.

Understanding

The processing and interpreting of the message.
Rather than thinking what your going to say next, try to think of what is being said from the standpoint of the communicator. Think of yourself as their advocate and your purpose is to help everyone understand what the speaker is trying to communicate.

Evaluating

Appraising the message. Tap into the filing cabinet of your little gray box on conveniently mounted on the top of your body. First sort and classify what you’re hearing. What are the implications, the applications, benefit or damage of the information?

You will have plenty of time to draw a conclusion. You will only have a few seconds to quickly make a fool of yourself however. So put prejudices aside. Stifle any desire to respond emotionally.

The cliché, consider the source is not only outdated, it could be costly advise to follow. I have worked with numerous nurses aids who for what ever reason choose not to progress beyond their station in the health care field. Some have developed their knowledge and assessment skills beyond that of many nurses. For me personally, when they bring a bit of information to me I take heed.

I cannot tell how many times lives have been saved because of listening to their input.

For future public speaking jobs, it is vital you not only learn about your audience, you need to practice the art of listening on them. Find out what floats their boats. Find out how best to reach them.

Responding

Acting on the message.

You will benefit little if you do not act on the direction or advice. A simple credo in this regard, there are three things a true professional does not do when being given counsel or advice.Justify, minimize or shift the blame.

Reasonableness in the art of listening dictates that there is always more to learn on a subject.

If your public speaking is reasonable, it will be easy for the audience to be reasonable in listening to you.

Listening Efficiency

Our listening efficiency can be affected by numerous factors. How much we have on our minds, recently hearing distressing news, and even culture can affect our listening efficiency.

For both your public speaking and your life, learn to master the art of listening.

In a test between two groups of 90 and 100 people in Harrisburg PA and Scranton PA, the cultural effects of listening efficiency affected by cultural influences can be seen. To both groups, when greeted with, “How are you doing?” The response was, “Fantastic but I am getting better.”

In Harrisburg, the group consisted of allied health care professionals including Nurses and Doctors. This is a group you would expect to have great skills when it comes to the art of listening. They were the control group. All but one responded with a positive affirmation of some kind.

The second group in Scranton which culturally is more predisposed to complaining and hearing complaints and the testing was at a time of economic depression. The response was empathetic such as, ...I’m sorry, I did not know you were sick....

There were other related responses. It was interesting that 99% of the responses were of this nature. The one positive affirmation came from a Nurse.

With so much on our minds between work and home life, efficient listening can be a challenge. The art of listening can be mastered if practiced.

So what is your listening efficiency? Take a listen and see if you can hear what you are missing.

Basic Listening modes

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.